Why some old friends no longer make the list.

It's that one random weekend every few years or so. An old friend is getting married and everyone has come from miles around. Suddenly, the gang is back together for a quick 48 hours. But after a lot of laughs, a few drinks and some catching up, there's a pause and everyone at the table can feel it. Someone didn't show up or worse, they weren't even invited.

You know who I'm talking about. We don't even call this person by their real name. We sum them up with a single word or two. They're that one friend of everyone's and their status is legendary even when they're not present. We even try to describe the meaning behind their nickname to newcomers or random guests sitting at the wedding table with us. But what's the use?

Yes, we all feel a bit sad that the once life of the party, is no longer making the guests laugh with a clever speech. Meanwhile, the person who's party it is, feels a bit relieved of that fact. Sure it's a huge loss in some ways but that endless charisma, that energy that once drew us all in, now has the reverse effect.

Responsibility showed up one night in an unmarked car. The days when we regularly slept in past noon ended with one job interview. And now, all of a sudden, waking up at 8:30 AM on the weekend feels like a winter hibernation. Our friends all live in different cities and social media or random text messages seems like the best we have to keep up. But is it working?

Being an adult suddenly requires that we change the expectations of our relationships. Closeness is no longer about sudden bursts of energy. It's a slow and steady race. It's now about those who pick up the phone, remember plans, show up when it's time to move or bring food over on a weeknight after you or your wife gives birth. Long gone are the days when friendship was just about not being alone. A friend is now a person who doesn't pick up their phone when you're having coffee and if they do, you'd rather just be alone because least in your aloneness, it can still be intentional.

And so, just like that, our charismatic friend now has, what some categorize as, a character flaw. Their personality hasn't changed but the rules have. Making everyone feel like your best of friends now has it's consequences. OK. To their credit, I don't think all this was done on purpose as their endless tank of energy was obviously inherent. After all, this is why we loved them in the first place and we certainly don't hate them because we know we actually have a lot to thank them for.

For some of us, one day however, our tanks just became full. We married a great person, had kids, changed jobs and were forced to stop commuting on the friendship freeway. The stakes were raised. Suddenly playing an endless game of phone tag with Mr. or Mrs. Charisma just didn't make sense. They've also failed to show up on time and for the umpteenth time, or didn't even rsvp and when they did show up, they brought three other friends over to your house long after your spouse had already gone to bed. All these once "little things" are now really big deals to you and we're all guilty. 

You've sent the memo in the form of smirks, rolled eyes, not responding to their text excuses and have even tried to call them out the old fashion way with a letter. But no matter how hard you've tried, they don't realize that with every empty seat or having to again listen to their voicemail greeting, that their intentions for your friendship are very clear. So you pack up in the middle of the night, quietly open the door and leave. In the morning, you know you'll look like the jerk but you're completely fine with it. Some folks will just never understand and you're desperately trying not to be one of those.

The more easily "connected" we become the more important the definition of "friend" must also become. At some point, humans will have to decide how many friends they can actually have. The easier technology allows us to be disengaged the more unhappy everyone will be. Text messages are not phone calls. Birthday wishes on our Facebook walls don't really mean that much. A "like" isn't a handwritten letter in our mailbox. The digital ways in which we do to show intent are very easy to do but for some reason, we still place a huge value on them.

Now all of this isn't something you can just easily tell the other wedding guests. After all, it's your day and you don't have to justify yourself. The invitations you didn't send were not sent on purpose and not out of frustration but simply because you decided to give the uninvited guests what they wanted all along, a disconnected and very casual friendship. But your parties, the one's you intentionally plan and think out, are for those you who actually want to be there even if that means, it's just for one friend.

The next time you're with a friend remember this. Their time is important. They've got kids, other friends, a spouse and a full-time job. You are sitting next to them for a reason. They care about you. Don't blow the moment. Don't disregard their attention. If a glowing screen stands between you and someone else then maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to shorten the list and spend an evening with some old fashion moon-lit faces. Maybe that's what we've wanted all along, to put some time in the books with a real face.